Hey... super super stresses out with my school and work and church...
I've never had it so hard...
My work is really piling up and the economy is really not making anything easier... People are tense... taking more risk and on my side, there are more procedures and jobs to do... Give me a break... i'm literally working weekends too with my phone ringing... why does technology have to be so high tec? I even have to go to my company acct from home to work on weekends... this is so not what i sign up for... I hate my job... urghhhhh.... arghhhh... i wanna scream...
My school is crazy... it's assignments after assignments... i just completed my run of 4 TMAs in 12 days... now, i've to do another 3 more TMA in less than 2 weeks again... i haven't even had time to settle down and study anything yet... it's just assignments after each other... urghhhh.... and it's so tough... i don't even have time to think... i'm staying back during lunch to do them... I don't think i've ever worked my brains so hard... And after work, i still have to rush to school to attend class... after i come back, i'm already so so tired... but i need to spend time to do my assignments and talk to my parents too... i don't have time... huh....
Weekends are filled with camp stuff and RR... i really am feeling very very strain... To put on a mask every day... huh... i feel like taking it off and just show the ugly side of me... I hate myself so much now...
And weekends are my only time with Ber... i don't meet him at all during weekdays... because of his school... and mine as well... Even when we talk during weekdays, it's just 2-3 mins cause we're both either studying or at least for me... trying to shut off my minds for awhile and not have to feel and think about anything... to just sit in front of a box for maybe 30 mins before i sleep... exhaustion...To balance time for him when i need some for my own... it's... huh... i'm starting to wonder if i'm maybe better off alone... at least i won't be such a lousy and unsupportive gf... full of mood swings and emotionally driven... Ber needs someone who can stand by him... to help him and show a good example for the youth to follow... i used to think i can... but i feel myself drifting further and further... i can't seem to catch up with him anymore... He really souldn't have to worry about me... and not spending enough time with me... but i find myself always giving him problems and troubles... maybe it's not meant to be... maybe we're not trying hard enough... maybe i'm just to tired to think and feel anymore... Is it selfish of me? To be thinking for myself? to want some time for me? to want freedom and love? to want to feel fulfillment and achieve my dreams? to not want pple to tell me what i can and cannot do? Can i not lead my own life? I have lost my sense and direction... i can not see my future...
why can't i handle it better... why can't i be better... Ber says i knew what i was getting into when i sign up for my studies... i guess i did... so do i deserve it... where is the understanding? i guess i can't blame him... blame me blame me... just kill me...
Not going to update anymore... at least not till i've finish my semster... flooded with work...
